What I Really Am
by Blizpeak
Summary: One Shot Song Fiction, Pre Book 5: During a meeting of the Order, Lupin undergoes his infamous werewolf transformation. Trouble ensues when Tonks pursues him in his bout to the nearby woods…


**What I Really Am**

"Attention!" a flustered Minerva McGonagall shouted, her hoarse voice not making much headway against the conversations that echoed off of the wooden walls in Grimmauld Place.

"Attention, please!" she yelled again as the impervious wizards carried on with their reunions and talks of past experiences, the remember-when's and good times. Banging the flat of her palm against the long oak dining room table did little to subdue the general noise.

Sighing heavily, she raised her wand to the side of her throat, prepared to project her words in volume, when Albus Dumbledore took the head of the table, easing into an overstuffed chair he had pulled to his seat.

"Silence," he gently called with one raised hand over the Order, a wry smile in his glittering eyes.

At once the congregation sat, pulling the highly uncomfortable wooden chairs to their respective places, eager to begin the monthly discussion of business that the Order regularly held.

Minerva sighed, a hand massaging one temple as a migraine set in, and seated herself at the right hand of Albus.

Whispers startled her from her brief reverie. Turning towards the end of the table, she pursed her lips into a thin line with impatience.

**Never made it as a wise man…**

"Remus!" she shouted with exasperation. "Sirius, please!"

She immediately was brought back with déjà vu, recalling just how many times she had said those words in their youth.

The sheepish grins between the two.

The Looks.

The "Sorry, Professor."

"Sorry, Professor," they mumbled in unison, sending a chorus of light laughter from the guild of mature wizards.

Or, somewhat mature, anyway.

An "Honestly, Remus" stuck out of the jumble of words and whispers that ran anew again.

Remus looked over to find Nymphadora Tonks, (though if one were to ever call her that she would personally beat them into the ground face first), eyeing him from the upper-center of the long table.

Her youthful disposition led many to believe her too young to become an Auror, but Remus knew better.

She shook her bubble-gum pink hair lightly in response to a conversation that she was carrying with another witch, her eye catching Remus's again.

Casually she winked, with a small laugh at what a third, handsome wizard said nearby.

**I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling**

Just as quickly, she turned away from a flushed Remus as Minerva harshly requested that she get her feet off the priceless redwood table.

Remus sighed, and turned back to Sirius.

"Eh, Tonks will be Tonks," Sirius said, playing witness to what had occurred and deciding to step in and give advice.

"She's just a girl, anyway. What…seven, eight years younger than -"

"Yes," Remus cut him off, staring at the table and fiddling with a fork by whirling it between his fingers.

"She is far too young."

Slits of moonlight began to filter through the heavy curtains, spraying the floors and furniture with patterns of majestic, liquid-silver symmetry.

Looking at her again to make a point, he added, "Young people like her getting caught up in this business is what I was afraid of. I told Albus that they…"

**And this is how you remind me…**

Remus' gaze fell to his large, strong hands as he was talking, and his words trickled to silence.

"What is it…?" Sirius began, before following his gaze and spying what Remus did.

"Bloody...Remus, get out of here," Sirius whispered urgently, unable to tear his eyes from Remus's hand.

Remus looked up.

The dark, matted wolfs' hair that had vaguely splayed out in a lighter shade of brown on the back of his hand was growing subtly, but visibly darker. He could trace a line of fur that had begun to lick up his arms, underneath the draping sleeve of his long fall robe.

"I…I can't -"

"You _have _to. Remus, when did you last drink your -"

"This is a meeting of the utmost importance!"

"You can't exactly _stop_ this from happening! Run, now, while you still can!"

"Sirius, you're being stupid -"

"Oh, call _me_ stupid when you're putting a roomful of wizards in danger -"

"I'll leave soon enough, just let me -"

"I'll cover for you! Get. Out. Now!"

"Boys!"

Their heads snapped up as Minerva shouted, both hands on the table top and standing as if she had stood abruptly. All were quiet.

Tonks looked their direction with a worried expression on her face.

Or, more specifically…at Remus.

**...Of what I really am…**

"I…" Remus began, immediately regretting it. Every head snapped towards him for the disruption.

Albus looked to Remus, concerned in the sense that he somehow knew.

"I…have to-"

As he began his last words, he began choking. A hand flew to his throat as he coughed, the spasms sending him springing from his chair. It fell back with a ferocious clatter.

In the distance, Kreacher could be heard ranting his displeasure.

One wizard reached up to try and restrain the suffocating Remus, but he uncontrollably snapped at him, his canines growing to their, full, sickeningly yellow length.

A wave of moans and gasps could be heard rippling through the crowd as everyone within biting distance jumped back a good ten feet.

"Remus!" Tonks, Sirius, and Albus shouted at roughly the same moment. Sirius acting first, he roughly grabbed Remus by his fully transfigured shoulder blades and began dragging him to the door.

**This time I'm mistaken…**

"No!" a worry-crazed Tonks shouted as Sirius flung him out the front door.

Remus, now completely werewolf, galloped on all four padded paws whimpering into the woods.

Tonks ran up to Sirius, a cold fire blazing in her coal black eyes.

"What did you do that for?" she demanded before Sirius, whom at the moment wasn't too pleased with her either.

"He's dangerous!" Sirius harshly replied from the slight exertion, catching his breath.

"If he stayed in here, he could have killed everyone in the whole damn house!"

"Sirius!" Minerva promptly scolded.

Tonks stood there, glaring at Sirius, taking heaving deep breaths to control her temperament.

Apparently, it did her little good.

She pushed past him suddenly, and bolted out the open front door after him.

"Wait!" Sirius yelped, running after her to try and catch up.

"You don't know what you're doing!" he shouted as he reached the door frame.

All he met was cold night air. Tonks' talents apparently came into play.

She was no more than a shadow in the darkness of night.

"Stop!" he shouted once more, not expecting an answer before he re-entered Grimmauld Place, closing the door steadfast behind him.

…**For Heaven your heart was breaking**

**I've been wrong, I've been down!**

**Down to the bottom of every bottle…**

Remus had no recollection of that night.

He loped onwards, the brambles and briars beneath his naturally armored padded paws no obstacle as he rushed into the woods – a werewolf's home.

What he did recall whenever he assembled this state was a sense of mass depression, deprivation…and anger. Much, much rage.

He slipped into a dried gully, bumping up against the smooth stones with his jaunt, bony hips, causing him to whine pitifully.

A popular lure for unsuspecting prey.

**You've stuck words in my head!**

"…Remus?" Tonks whispered as she pushed the last dried out brown branch out of the way.

A long dry, slightly frosted river bottom met her eyes. The lightest dustings of snow could be seen clumped among the dead tree roots, and autumn leaves scattered the innocent scene.

Innocent, all for the hunched-over werewolf crouched in the center of the bed.

Its eyes met hers, having spotted her far sooner than she spotted it.

_Him…it's a him…Remus…_

"Oh, Remus," she repeated, fear laced into her voice as she slowly backed into the brush.

**Screamed "Are we having fun yet!"**

His red glazed vision met Tonks, eyes locking briefly.

_No, _he willed his worse half. _Not her._

_Anyone but her, please…_

His wolfish voice growled, but made no movement as she did, slowly sneaking into the woodland behind her.

_Ah…good…_

And then he lunged for her.

_No!_

The werewolf skid to a stop, using both hind legs and forelegs to slow his progress on the icy rock bottom.

Tonks froze.

"Remus," she stuttered, seeing that running out here was a big mistake.

He really was uncontrollable.

She choked involuntarily, one tear sliding from the corner of her eye.

"I'm so, so sorry…"

She closed her eyes, willing the seared image of his death spelled, savage face from her mind.

He still had kept his clear blue eyes.

**It's not like you didn't know that**

He whimpered, slowly commanding his much more powerful outer body to back away.

Long enough, anyway, to find another game specimen. This mind control was taking its toll on his nerves and mentality.

What no one else knew was that he had taken a third of his required potion. He had run out of stores, and forgotten to alert Professor Snape.

**I said I love you and I swear I still do**

He turned away from her tear stained face, his own eyes – somehow – watering.

Slowly he padded towards the brink of the riverbank, and with a sigh the conscious Remus Lupin let go of his hold on the wolf's mind.

The werewolf now reigned.

**And it must have been so bad**

'**Cause leaving him must have damn near**

**Killed you**

Tonks was within the shelter of the woods.

The forgiving embodiment of nature.

She stared as he forlornly – or so it seemed – stumbled out of the ravine.

He took three steps, and slipped on the ice violently.

His body lurched, off balance, and he fell hard on his side with a moan.

Tonks forgot all pretenses of safety, and immediately ran to his side.

"Remus!" she shouted, flinging herself onto the werewolf, crying in earnest now over how unfair life was to them. How cruel to Remus. How sickeningly stupid Tonks had been. How ignorant.

How could she not have known, after all these years?

It all happened too quickly.

The werewolf overturned onto its back in a lightning-fast move, kicking the startled body of Tonks into the air with its hind legs like some sort of pillow or stuffed animal.

She fell to the ground, screaming and flailing her hands in an attempt to catch herself.

As she landed, the werewolf – no longer under Remus' control – jumped up into the air and bit at her neck savagely, clamping down like an iron trap.

Only the shadow of the star-crossed lovers could be seen in the midst of the darkening moon.

One padding away.

One to remain asleep on the cold, stony riverbed forevermore.

**And this is how, you remind me  
Of what I really am  
This is how, you remind me  
Of what I really am**

**…**


End file.
